After losing god, my community, and my reputation, I now also faced the prospect of losing my family. To leave the Mormon church is not a small thing. Many of us who leave, leave with nothing. Not our friends. Not our family. I simply was not ready for this final loss. You might think thatContinue reading “When Death Seems Best”
Tag Archives: Mormonism
The End of Faith
Faith, the people who have it will tell you, can get you through anything. And that is so. But the loss of it can take from you everything you have left. I’d had a complicated relationship with God since I was 12. Ever since I invoked Mormon norms of fatherly conduct and my father beatContinue reading “The End of Faith”
Another Aftermath
Joe isn’t done with me yet. He and Laura have been best friends for years, and they decide it will be good for me to talk with him on the phone regularly. I don’t know what his girlfriend thinks about this, but she apparently doesn’t get a vote. Neither do I. My stomach clenches everyContinue reading “Another Aftermath”
The Third Assault
All children are curious about sex. But teenagers are downright thirsty for it. I’m 16, and I may be Mormon, with big glasses and ankle-length skirts and hair down to my waist. But I’m no different. At church, in my Young Women’s class, a teacher asks, “And why should we wait to have sex untilContinue reading “The Third Assault”
After the Assault
I begin to have panic attacks in the dance studio. I have been dancing for seven years, but now, suddenly, I can’t. I can’t go to auditions. I begin to skip the occasional class. In the studio, I can’t stand the sight of myself in the mirror. In my maroon leotard and pink tights, I lookContinue reading “After the Assault”
The First Assault
My father had been my ally in the family. True, he’d done some weird shit. When I was in preschool, my mother’s cat had turned up dead in the storage room where he kept his tools. He never explained how he hadn’t noticed her starving in there. When I was five, I told him IContinue reading “The First Assault”
Prelude to the Assaults
CONTAINS TRIGGERING CONTENT To begin a story is necessarily to omit. If I begin my story of assault at age 12 with my father’s attack, then I am omitting my mother’s physical abuse. I am leaving out the fact that my earliest memories are full of violence not from men, but from a woman. AContinue reading “Prelude to the Assaults”
The Androgynous Genius of David Bowie
Growing up Mormon in the 1980s, I didn’t experience much pop culture beyond Rainbow Brite and E.T. But in 1988, I saw Labyrinth and was introduced to the cosmic force that was Planet Earth’s David Bowie. Both frightened and utterly bewitched at age seven, I fell in love. In my white bread, fiercely heteronormative suburb, IContinue reading “The Androgynous Genius of David Bowie”
Five Great Lessons from Growing up Mormon
Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows I’m a feminist and that I have some trouble with the doctrines and practices of the faith I was raised in. But I lived to tell the tale, and it’s a complex one. Despite the church’s uncomplicated position on feminism (Boyd K. Packer, who was recentlyContinue reading “Five Great Lessons from Growing up Mormon”
Guilt Is Just Laziness
I should be ashamed of myself. When I do something I shouldn’t–skip a workout, criticize someone in anger, or stay up so late I’m a bitch the next day–I feel guilty. And that’s usually where it ends. I check off the box that says I’m a good person and move on. It’s a problem. GuiltContinue reading “Guilt Is Just Laziness”
The Trailer Park MFA 