In the Aftermath

Jonathan’s assault was among the least violent of the assaults I’ve survived. In fact, to some people, it isn’t an assault at all. But its effects have been every bit as long-lasting and devastating as the rest of the abuse. *             *             * It wasn’t what he did. It was who he was. He wasContinue reading “In the Aftermath”

Joe

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder. Why him? Why do we gather, like moths, around the flame of one life and overlook the garden of lights all around us? Why, when I was sure I wanted to die, did I write to Joe? One afternoon, slumped against my mattress, my legs tucked against theContinue reading “Joe”

When Death Seems Best

After losing god, my community, and my reputation, I now also faced the prospect of losing my family. To leave the Mormon church is not a small thing. Many of us who leave, leave with nothing. Not our friends. Not our family. I simply was not ready for this final loss. You might think thatContinue reading “When Death Seems Best”

Let Yourself Feel It

People look at me and think it’s my rage I need to get in touch with. But it’s not the rage I’m afraid to feel. It’s the grief. To get through this wall, I have to drop my sword and go into the breach—into the darkness—unarmed. But there’s so much grief in there that I’mContinue reading “Let Yourself Feel It”