trust – The Trailer Park MFA

Reconnection

One morning I woke up, and my teeth were not clenched anymore. My face wasn’t twisted by nightmares. I had grieved for more than a year, and I felt cleansed. I could shelve books beside men in the stacks, and I no longer wanted to punch them. I no longer imagined a knife in myContinue reading “Reconnection”

Mourning

The first thing it makes space for is sorrow. As the rage and terror ebb away, the grief can overwhelm us. For me, I think it was the grief, more than anything else, that I feared. I had lifted my rage against it like a shield. Hadn’t trauma cost me enough? How dare anyone, evenContinue reading “Mourning”

Remembrance

In many faith traditions, remembrance is a sacred act. A devotion to God. Buddhism in particular offers a definition of remembrance that echoes this stage in trauma recovery. The Pali term sati can be translated as both mindfulness and memory. The Satipatthana Sutta teaches that sati enables us to see the true relationship between all things. We must awakenContinue reading “Remembrance”

Healing Through Dance

Because trauma is of the body, it must be healed through the body. I needed a safe space where I would be supported, where I could practice trust, where I could begin healing in my body. Only one place could offer me that. The dance studio. * * * I was 30 years old. IContinue reading “Healing Through Dance”

Why the Rape Wasn’t Your Fault: An Open Letter

A lot of blog posts address men who believe rape is, at least in part, the responsibility of the victim—rather than the rapist. Or they address men open to hearing about this experience in the hope of educating them and building allies. This post is going to be a little different. I’m writing just for theContinue reading “Why the Rape Wasn’t Your Fault: An Open Letter”

When a City Reminds You of Those You’ve Lost

I had a best friend a few years back. A straight guy. Which maybe should have tipped me off. But I’d known him since middle school. We’d been chummy for many years, and he had gradually become a second brother to me. Year after year, we ambled down Third Avenue in chilly November rain andContinue reading “When a City Reminds You of Those You’ve Lost”

When Did Gentle Become Weak?

Dave Eggers’ 2006 novel, What Is the What, opens with a violent robbery for which the narrator, a Sudanese refugee, blames himself. Earlier that day, he came across his attackers in his neighborhood, and smiled at them. Now held at gunpoint, the refugee asks himself, “Why did I smile at this woman? I smile reflexively and itContinue reading “When Did Gentle Become Weak?”

Just Walk Away

And keep on walking. In the end, it’s easy to say sociopaths don’t really matter. The rest of us go on with our lives. We fall in love and marry and have children. We see our friends through the deaths of loved ones. We plant gardens. Life goes on. It’s comfortable to say that. ButContinue reading “Just Walk Away”

Repotting

So when Bob told me to start writing down my story last week, I didn’t know where this would take me. It was a leap of faith. A surrender, an act of trust in a teacher. The first few days were the hardest. All darkness in there, digging up roots, examining the soil. It wasn’tContinue reading “Repotting”

Extreme Sport: Facing Your Fears

So I’ve been on a writing retreat with my novel the last few days and am glad to get back to blogging! And from the quiet space of that retreat, I return to say yet again: one of the most terrifying things about the artistic process is its vulnerability. If you’ve ever seen The King’s Speech,Continue reading “Extreme Sport: Facing Your Fears”