Your precious fuzzball is a little Hannibal Lecter just waiting to happen. You know this. But you don’t care because kitties are cute.
And humans are dumb.
I mean, let’s compare the psychopath checklist to our favorite kitty-cats. How about we start with the features everybody knows?
1. Superficial Charm
Duh. That’s why we love our kitties to begin with, right? Like any good sociopath, they know how to melt us into soft pats of butter. They purr and curl that furry tail around our shins and roll over the carpet like a fuzzy potato bug. Humans see a fluffball, from a Tribble to a baby tiger, and we’re done for. So far the score is PsychoKitty: 1, Human: zip.
2. Manipulative or Seductive Behavior
And what would a psychopath–or a kitty–be without this superpower? Let’s think about this. Have you ever fed your kitty-cat at an unscheduled mealtime? Do you give your cat treats for more than good behavior? Does your cat seek you out before meals and “flirt” with you by being his cutest, cuddliest self? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have been manipulated by your cat. Forget superior brain power. Your cat has superior game power. Good luck turning around this toxic relationship.
3. Grandiose Sense of Self-Worth
Do I really need to explain this? They’re cats. The ancient Egyptians regarded them as divine, and I’m willing to bet that still wasn’t good enough. Check the box.
4. A Powerful Need for Stimulation
In other words, is your cat easily bored? Be honest. There’s probably not a cat toy in the world that wouldn’t become just another piece of junk on my living room floor–only five minutes later. Let’s face it: No human psychopath can compete with the housecat’s insatiable need for novelty and stimulation–not to mention that 20-hour Siesta of Boredom when we owners fall short.
5. Callousness and Lack of Empathy
How many times have you heard that felines are the only species that plays with, rather than outright kills, their prey? Whether it’s true or not, it’s certainly a common kitty behavior. Cats seem to enjoy the suffering of others. They’ll maim a bird, so they can paw at it while it slowly bleeds to death. My own cat likes to sit on my foot and then sink her claws slowly into my skin, staring up at me while I howl in pain. She does this, I suspect, both because she wants extra food and because she finds my reaction interesting. In a human, we’d label such behavior psychopathic without question. Kitties shouldn’t get a pass for furry cuteness.
6. Parasitic Lifestyle
Again, do I really have to say anything? Dogs at least are capable of shouldering the load in all sorts of ways, from getting their owners out doing physical activity to working as support animals. Why are people like Trump so concerned that immigrants who open businesses and work for low wages are draining our economy–when right here at home, we have millions of cats who do nothing but sleep and eat? Welfare really is a work incentive program compared to the way we feed and house pets in this country! They’re costing Americans millions, if not billions, of dollars!
The list goes on. From poor impulse control to juvenile delinquency (and what is more delinquent than a kitten, please?) your beloved fuzzball fits the bill. Our cats are textbook psychopaths.
So why do we love them so much?
Because they’re cute. When they aren’t attacking fridge magnets or trying to rape each other, they’re fun to cuddle with. And when their torture subject is a catnip-stuffed felt mouse at the end of a string rather than a conscious animal, we find advanced feline torture techniques delightful good fun. Clearly, homo sapiens ain’t all that bright.
Cats succeed with us for the same reason that human psychopaths do: We’re suckers. And it turns out, in my opinion, that’s a good thing. Feel free to read my earlier posts on sociopathy if you want to know why I believe empathy and compassion are worth occasionally getting suckered. But seriously, love your own PsychoKitty with pride. It shows just how fully human you really are.
I am definitely not a licensed mental health professional, so if you missed my tone, this post is intended purely for entertainment–and not diagnostic–purposes.